Date Night

2 Corinthians 13:11

"...be of one mind, live in peace."

When was the last time you and your husband went on a date? In the busyness of everyday life, setting aside time to nurture that relationship is often the first thing to go - At least it is for me.

But last night, my husband and I had a much needed date night. For us, date night is a time to talk about the things that we normally don't talk about; share our heart; share our goals and a time to share our dreams. It's a time of great encouragement. Last night, we went to one restaurant for an appetizer and another for a lite dinner. (We both are probably A.D.D. The change of scenery is fun to us!)

We are especially blessed to have both of our families living in the city we live. Last night, my Mom was our hero. I praise Jesus for her. She is such a blessing to my sister and I. Her offers to help always seem to come at just the right time.

But what if funds are tight? And if you have small kids at home and can't afford a sitter?

Have date night at home. Plan a special meal (one that your husband likes ensures a great start); either put the kids to bed early or start a movie with popcorn in another room - with an immediate bed time afterward. COMMAND them NOT to interrupt unless someone is sick or bleeding. The penalty for interruption - immediately to their room for the night.

A dear friend of mine used to make this a priority when her boys were growing up. After paying a babysitter, they didn't have much money, so they'd go to McDonald's for date night. These were not exactly the most romantic dinners, but in retrospect, she recalls those memories as some of the sweetest during that period of her life.

Date night is a night for reconnection. Make plans now for a date night. Surprise your husband with it - he'll be thrilled! Pray ahead of time for rich and full conversation. Pray for openness between each other. Pray that God will pour out His favor and blessing during this special time.

So when was your last date night? After last night, I know that I need to make it more of a priority. I'm missing out on a blessing if I don't.

Parenting in Harmony

Last week, one of you sent a note asking about marriage and parenting. It was a great question and before I just shot off my immediate thoughts - I wanted to take some time to pray through it.

The question:

How do you handle conflicts concerning children - especially teenage children. Often the mother is the primary care-giver and nurturer - we often have a difficult time coming to the same conclusion.

Now, let me give you some Scriptures to back up the answer:

Colossians 3:2

Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.

Colossians 3:18

Wives submit to your husbands. (There it is again!)

Romans 15:5

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves...

First of all KNOW with great certainty, your husband has your child's best interest in mind. He's her dad! Also KNOW, that if he is a born-again believer - than the same Spirit of God living inside of you - also lives inside of him. (I happen to know the gal who the submitted the question - she is a believer.)

Based on Scripture, the first thing I would encourage you to do is to pray. And pray some more.

However, don't pray that God will change your husband's mind. Pray that both of you will have the mind of Christ in that particular situation. That if he's off or if you are off - that the Lord would reveal that to you. Now keep in mind, if you pray this - you have to humbly open yourself to God's thoughts. You must release "having to be right."

Other ways to pray:

Pray that He'll give you and your husband a spirit of unity in your parenting.

Pray that God will help you to see the situation from your husband's perspective.

Pray that as God gives you His thoughts, that you'd be willing to submit to His thoughts and then to your husband.

When I disagree with my husband, one of the thoughts I have is: Am I willing to die on this hill? Meaning - is my way TRULY the only way? (By the way, you can't die on every hill. If you have to have your way all the time, your husband will begin to resent you. Choose your battles wisely.)

If so, wait until you cool off. Pray that God will give you set apart time to discuss the situation without arguing. Listen to his side. Share your side. If your husband is still dogmatic about his way - as unto the Lord - submit to him. GOD WILL HONOR THIS. Make sure you do it with a right heart. This is when you remind yourself that your husband is on your team; that this is his daughter too. And that he loves her as much as you love her. (Remember, men show love differently than we do.)

Also, keep in mind, never undermine your husband's parenting in front of your children. I firmly believe that we need to present a united front.

As parents, we are leaving a legacy of potentially how our children will live with their spouses and will raise their children. We want to model a healthy marriage based upon the principles found in Scripture. (Because they work!!!!)

If your husband is not "there" yet, God can work with one - you! As you live out HIS principles for marriage - (those principles are not always easy) - yet we are promised great fruit and great reward! (Col. 3:24; John 15:5)

Success in God's Eyes

Colossians 3:2

Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.

Last week, Elizabeth Taylor died. Did you see it? The same day we were in the midst of bombing Libya; Japan's in the midst of a titanic disaster with potential global consequences and the lead story on the evening news was Elizabeth Taylor. The pinnacle of an era - had died.

Have you ever noticed how the world defines success? The world's definition of success seems to be based on a person's health, their wealth or prosperity. Sometimes it's defined by the size house or the neighborhood they live in. The world also seems to measure success by the kind of car one drive's; their bank account; their savings; their portfolio; their investments; the extravagence of their toys and properties. The list could go on and on...

But more importantly, is this how God measures success. All that matters at the end of life, is God's definition of success. Do you think God would have defined Elizabeth Taylor as successful? Only He knows her heart. The Bible says, "by their fruit you will know." (italics mine).

Elizabeth Taylor was not a woman of my era - I know little about her. She was beautiful and apparently VERY talented. She was adored by all of Hollywood and the media alike. But what I read in the paper and saw in the news, was a train wreck. I would NEVER want my daughter to imulate her. (Or anyone like her for that matter.) Yet, she was lifted up last week as someone to be admired, cherished, almost immortalized.

This whole "isn't Elizabeth Taylor great" thing, got me thinking. As believers, we have to be careful not to think like the world thinks. It's so easy to get sucked-in to the world's philosophies. We have to be intentional about not valuing what the world values - but valuing what God values. Knowing what God values and how He defines success - will require us to open our Bibles each day and to take the time to find out! Taking the time (first thing in the morning or at some point during our day) to set our mind on the things above.

Personally, I believe the people are who are most successful in God's eyes - would probably surprise us! Don't misunderstand, we are not called to judge - but we are called to be fruit inspectors. What's the quality of your fruit?

Resolving Conflict - Part 2

Proverbs 29:11

"A fool gives full vent to (her) anger, but a wise (woman) keeps (herself) under control."

For years - I was that fool. And if I'm not careful... if the right button is pressed... WHAM!

So how do we not become the fool that Proverbs references? How do we not explode when our buttons are pushed and we're at our limits? Let's pick up where we left off yesterday:

5. Learn to listen.

Discern what your husband is saying and what he's not saying. Read between the lines. What are the real concerns? PAUSE... Say an arrow prayer... Listen to his opinions and thoughts. Don't assume that you are always right - you're not!

"Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. and slow to become angry..." James 1:19

6. Do it in love.

Have a goal in any conflict: deeper understanding of each other. Often, I find that I just want to win the point; to have the last word - but then it's just a game. And our marriages shouldn't be matches of winner or loser. Take time to begin to understand the other's view point. "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1Peter 4:8

7. Stop Remembering

Do you drag out the past? Do you keep lists of his failures? Choose to close the book and move on! Remember: "love keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Cor. 13:5

8. Control your emotions

People can say very hurtful and destructive things under stress. Recognize those stress times: tired, hungry, sick, sexual needs, job loss, job stress, financial problems. Learn to be sensitive to your spouse so that you can recognize these moments. Choose to be patient and quiet. (By the way, this is a learned skill - it is not automatic.)

9. Learn how to bring an argument to conclusion.

If wrong, we should admit it. Be willing to openly apologize for your part of the blame in the conflict - even if it was minor. God will use your selfless spirit to bring healing to your relationship.

Being the first to say, "sorry", will often diffuse the whole situation. Death to self brings life into your spouse and marriage. 2 Cor. 4:12

10. Work on your friendship.

Have fun together! Be willing to accept truth from each other. When conflict comes you will have an established friendship to work as your foundation.

Hope these help. Have a great weekend!

Resolving Conflict in Marriage - Part 1

Do you still have on your big girl pants? Today's post isn't nearly as brutal as yesterday's. Thank you for your comments by the way. (Many of you choose to contact me directly. That's fine.)

Over the next two days, I'll share 11 steps for resolving relational conflict in marriage. I've learned these steps from my friend and mentor Suzi. I have seen them at work in her life and I have practiced them in my own life. THIS BIBLE STUFF WORKS!

The first three steps are paramount for resolving conflict - they set the foundation.

John 15:5,7

"I am the Vine; you are the branches. If a man [woman] remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."

1. Focus on your relationship with Jesus.

Make it your goal to pursue an "abiding" relationship with Christ. The word "abide" means to: depend on; remain in; rest in; cling to; to focus on. It means Jesus becoming your center. It means pleasing Him becoming your passion. As you move toward this kind of relationship with Jesus, your thinking, your behavior, and your responses will gradually come under His control. I don't know about you, but I need His control when I'm mad as fire!

2. Make prayer your priority.

Pray daily for your husband and your marriage. And if possible, pray together as a couple. This will bond you together like nothing else. Remember: prayer is time for God to change your thinking and line it up with His. It's during prayer that God allows me to see things from my husband's perspective - instead of being totally focused on my own agenda. It's also during prayer that I receive my marching orders.

Example: "Be still and know that I am God;" "it is mine to avenge;" "those who wait on the Lord..."

Do you see? Prayer and Bible reading - connecting the dots to your issue is one of the ways God speaks to us.

3. Study God's Word Daily-

Even one verse each day will help you stay on track in your thinking and behavior. This enables us to know God's priorities; His expectations and even His commands. Until recently, (if you are a regular reader to this blog) we learned that making intimacy a priority is a command from God's Word. When we know what His thoughts are, we will more than likely follow.

4. Stay in Touch

Don't live independently of each other. Don't lose sight of each other as you go about your daily activities. Make it a point to hug; to smile; to encourage each other in some way daily. Eat together whenever possible. Call him; text him; email him - be in touch with him at least once during the work day.

I hope these suggestions are practical and helpful. We'll pick up with #5-11 tomorrow.

Before I move on to another marriage topic - (probably forgiveness) - Is there something on your heart that you would like for me to cover? I'd love to hear from you. You can leave a comment below or send me a personal note. I look forward to hearing from you!

Make it a great day!

Approaching Conflict Differently...

Are you ready for a hard to hear lesson? A lesson that is counter-intuitive to the culture we live in? If so, put on your big-girl pants. Today's lesson is thought-provoking and challenging.

Colossians 3:23-24

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (italics mine)

Most of us would have probably said that when we married our motive was to be happy; to enjoy our husbands; and to live happily ever after. But what happens when we aren't happy? What happens when on some days, we don't even like our husbands?

The world tells us that, "we deserve to be happy." "That our children will be happier if we're happy." We're also told that we need to focus on ourselves and what we want; to make sure our desires are satisfied. Do you realize that's just what Satan told Eve in the Garden? (see Genesis 3:5).

But what does God's Word say?

We learn in Scripture that as we relate to our husbands - as we love and encourage and serve them, we are actually serving Christ Himself. In other words, the way we treat our husbands' is considered by Jesus to be the way you treat Him. Your relationship with your husband is a spiritual barometer of your relationship with Christ. (I told you this was not an easy one to hear.)

However, once we get a picture of relating to our husbands' as "unto the Lord," it may change the way we confront conflict. Ask yourself, "would I treat Jesus like this? Would I talk to Jesus like this?" It's Jesus we are ultimately serving.

Before becoming nauseated at the thought of all this, don't miss the reward part! We are promised that the Lord will see our efforts, even if our husbands do not, and reward us for our faithful service.

I hope this encourages you. I hope this challenges and confronts what the world is trying to teach us.

Have a great day!

Are you a Nag?

Yesterday, I heard a radio advertisement for a local restaurant wooing men to watch NCAA basketball from their establishment. The underlining theme of the ad was: why would you want to stay at home with a nagging wife when you could come to their establishment and hear a young perky voice offering you a beer and salivating at the thought of waiting on you? (Gag!)

I heard another ad this morning after dropping my kids off at school. Different establishment - same theme.

Then last week, standing in line at the pharmacy counter in CVS, I was behind an older couple. I felt so sorry for the man. As I stood there watching and listening to this couple, I could hear the voice of my Dad in my ear. (He's known for bringing humor to absurdities.) All I could hear was his voice saying, 'I bet she tells him when he can and can't go to the bathroom too.'

Sorry for the crudeness - but this lady was over the top. She was telling him what to do; where to sign; where to stand; when to move. You would have thought he was handicapped. He wasn't. I was truly embarrassed for him.

However, before I plunge into judgemental thinking, I've learned to view accounts like these through different eyes. Quite often, the Lord is trying to teach me something through such absurdities. He'll allow me to see something that offends me and then will impress upon my heart how He sees aspects of me in that person. It's raw to see variations of yourself in the very thing that repulses you. However, Jesus never convicts us to condemn us - He convicts us because HE wants to refine us; grow us; or perhaps change an area of our behavior.

So, am I a nag?
Am I that CVS woman?
Am I the epitome of those radio commercials that were so very offensive?

Listen to these Scriptures:

With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death. Judges 16:16

(I'm sorry, but that one cracks me up!)

Here's another one:

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

Proverbs 21:19

(Yikes!)

Girls, whether it's true or not, we have a reputation for being nags. Is this true of you? Below are some thoughts I've asked myself...

• Do you nag him about his driving?
• Do you talk to him like you talk to your children? What is your voice tone?
• Do you nag him until he fixes whatever is broken in your home?
• Do you constantly give him a to-do list on Saturday's or his day off?
• How do you respond when he tells you he's blowing off his list to play golf or something else he wants to do?
• How do you respond when he asks you to fix him a cold beverage or something to eat while he's watching the Duke or Carolina basketball game?
• Do you talk down to him in front of other people - belittling him?

That radio-commercial hit a nerve with me. So did the CVS woman. Let's not be that woman.

(By the way, the ad was for Wild Wing Cafe - don't go there!)

Tomorrow: We'll go back to handling conflict. Sorry for the detour today - it's been on my heart.

Conflict in Marriage

Proverbs 3:34

God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.

We'd all love to think that every day will be sunshine and flowers in our marriages, but realistically, we know there's bound to be conflict. You and your husband are two very different people with unique personalities and opinions. That's not a bad thing. God created us all different because He delights in our differences. Our job is to learn how to approach our differences in a way that promotes unity and love - not division and hurt.

What areas that couples often have disagreements?

Money, children, household duties, social activities, vacations, jobs, food...

What are areas where you and your husband often disagree?

I just recently visited my husband's grandfather. He's 94 years old and lives in an independent living facility. His mind is sharp and he's a spunky as ever! He and his wife were married for over 60 years. We were talking about her on this particular day. With tears in his eyes, he shared that they rarely argued. He said that she "trusted his judgement on the issues where he was stronger," such as finances. She allowed him to do what he deemed best. (There's a lesson in there...)

Let's define conflict: state of open fighting or a state of disagreement and disharmony, a collision, opposition of mutually exclusive impulses, desires or tendencies.

Do you know what's at the center of every conflict?

Self and Selfishness. We'll often blame conflict on circumstances/jobs, children, money, in-laws. But the real problem is OUR will, ego and pride; and our desire to be in control. We want complete freedom to do as we please and our spouse is getting in the way! Pride can so quickly move in and choke out a ministering spirit - making us stubborn and hard-hearted.

Yet, what does Scripture say? "God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble." We also learn in Ephesians 4:2, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

So much easier said than done.

The key to being a doer of the Word: Make spending time with God our priority. There are some conflicts that are so big and deep - only HE can give us the power to swallow our pride choosing humility and gentleness...

What does your time with the Lord look like? Is it quick and hurried? Is it rote? Does it exist at all?

Let this be our starting point of getting rid of the selfishness that seeks to divide us. And examine your heart motives if you are in the midst of a conflict.

More on this tomorrow...

Love Protects

1 Corinthians 13:7

It always protects...

Have you ever noticed the 3 little words that start the 7th verse of 1 Cor.13? I've always glossed over them to embrace the words that follow, "...always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." But these first 3 little words are very important. And can often be extremely challenging.

How do you talk about your husband when he is not listening? What about when you're around a group of girlfriends, and they're all sharing stupid husband stories? Do you chime in as well? What about one-on-one. Do you share your husband's mistakes or make him sound ignorant?

The Bible clearly tells us that we are to protect them. We are to protect their name. We are to protect their reputation. And we are to honor them.

Proverbs 31 adds to this concept:

"She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." (v12)

Our words can either bring good or harm to our marriages. So if you think - even for a moment - that he would be embarrassed or would not approve of what you are sharing - don't share it! Even if you think he deserves to be embarrassed, the Bible is very clear - we are to protect our husbands.

This choice of protecting our husbands, brings honor to God. And when we actively choose to honor God by honoring our husbands, we can be confident that God will bless these small, yet life potentially marriage changing choices.

Have a great day!

1 Corinthians Style Home Building - Part 2

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Proverbs 14:1

As we continue home building, let's be prudent to the things that bring wisdom. We certainly don't want to be unintentional home wreckers. As you read the Scriptures with the paraphrase, ask the Lord to show you which one or two or three things that He wants you to work on. Write them down in your Prayer Journal. Ask the Lord to strengthen you in these areas. I'm only giving these in bite-size pieces so that we can be doers not just hearers of the Word!

I Corinthians 13:4

Love is patient,

Paraphrase: Love is patient even when my husband isn't feeling well.

:4b

love is kind.

Paraphrase: Love is kind when he makes a mistake that I warned him about.

:4c

it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Paraphrase: Love does not envy my neighbors husband (or anyone else's for that matter.)

:5

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

• Love is not rude when my husband makes demands on my time and I'm already busy;


• it is not self seeking but commits to seek to please my husband and to satisfy his needs over my own,


• love is not easily angered when my husband says something hurtful or insensitive;


• loves keeps no record of wrongs done through the years.

I want to give a shout out to the ladies of Keeping the Festival!

It was such a privilege to spend Friday and Saturday with you. Your hunger for Jesus blessed my heart. As I went to bed Saturday and Sunday night, I thanked God for you and prayed for each of you by name. I prayed that your "reentry" home would smooth and sweet. And I prayed that the Holy Spirit would sear on your heart exactly what He wants you to learn and apply. I prayed for those of you with sons in Afghanistan. And I prayed for Sheila's anointing as she was covering Saturday night. (Our group prayer time Saturday was really cool!)

THANK YOU for showering me gifts, cards and flowers. I was overwhelmed by your overflow of kindness. The Cross made by the man in your area that is almost blind is precious. I value even more that he is related to many of you. I also love the shell platters! Only God knows that I adore things like that. And the shell candle that you fill up with water - it's beautiful! Can't wait to do that. Please know that these treats are treasures. They will cause me to remember and think of you every time I look at them.

Lastly, the cards many of you gave me are the real treasures. I've read them several times already. Thank you for allowing me to see evidence of God speaking into the deep wounds that many of you are carrying. In one of the cards, you wrote the verse God used when He originally called me to a speaking ministry. My husband later gifted me with a painting with this very Scripture on it. It's very dear to me. Tears filled my eyes. I praise Him for each one of you. This second year was sweeter than the first. I love you all. Please keep in touch. Would love to see the pictures!

Home Building Corinthians Style

I am confident that you are familiar with the first 13 verses of 1 Corinthians 13. Most every wedding I've ever attended, these verses are read.

But how do they relate to 'home building' other than the obvious? How do they relate to Jesus in our everyday life? Today and tomorrow,we're going to break it down verse by verse.
My friend, Suzi, who has taught many classes on marriage gave me the paraphrase. It's eye-opening. I hope you'll be as challenged as I am by it.

1 Corinthians 13:1

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

Paraphrase: If I clean the house so it is spotless every day; if I prepare gourmet meals and do all the kitchen cleanup; if I make sure everyone has all their clothes cleaned, folded and put away and have no time to affirm my husband in a way that encourages him in love, I am only a noisy gong and clanging cymbal.

:2

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

Paraphrase: If I run errands for my husband daily; if I carpool all my children to different commitments; if I plan weekend social events so I am known as an outstanding hostess but have no interest in spending quality time to love and encourage the man I married, then I am nothing.

:3

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Paraphrase: If I participate in weekly Bible studies; if I can quote volumes of Scripture, if I volunteer to help for every special event at church and give generously to Christian organizations and ignore my husbands physical needs, I gain nothing.

And it goes on... This is 'home building' from the inside out. Before we tackle the rest of 1 Corinthians, let's digest this slowly and methodically.

Why would our husbands want to know our Jesus, if we have no time, energy, or attentiveness for him? One of my life Scriptures is Deut. 32:47, "these are not just idle words for you [speaking of the Bible], they are your life."

Are you seeing why it's so important to come into the Word each day? It's a Manual for Living. It keeps us from falling into life's ditches... Even when it comes to our marriages.

External Beauty

As we continue to be wise 'home builders', today's subject isn't what we always want to hear. But it's important.

Song of Songs 4:7

All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

Wouldn't you love to hear that day in and day out?!

As I scan the Song of Songs, over and over and over again - Solomon is captivated by the beauty of his beloved. "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful," says 4:1. Phrases like these are repeated throughout the 8 short chapters.

That said, our physical beauty is important to our husbands. I'm not talking about inner beauty (which we all know if VERY important as well), but I'm talking about external beauty today. Men are visual. God designed them to be this way. God also designed them to be turned on by the female body. (Read Genesis 2:22-25. It's all there.) Initially, your husband was attracted to your unique beauty. It's important to pay attention to this physical attraction.

If you:

• carry a lot of extra weight or
• wear old baggy clothes or
• ignore your hair and make-up

your husband is going to notice. He may not complain, but he'll notice.

It's so easy to become lazy where our looks are concerned. However, this can greatly affect the romance in our marriages. So before he returns home at night, make sure to check your clothes, hair and make-up. This is a 2 minute check. I even have a friend whose husband puts gum in his mouth before he walks in the door. These details are important. This is wise home building.

On that note, what are you wearing on a daily basis? This morning, my daughter asked me if I have any jeans. (My 8 year old tends to be very stylish.) I told her, "yes." She went on to ask why I wear sweat pants so much... Well, because they're convenient; comfortable; and when your office is in your home, there's not a lot of motivation to get dressed up.

But I think she may be on to something. I'm possibly a little out of balance here. Not to mention, I wash my hair every 3-4 days. (shower daily) However, today, I'm pushing day 4 with my hair. As my Dad says, "it's time to change the oil."

Why am I sharing these details? Because these little insignificant details add up. These details may be such a part of our life style, that we may not even notice how unattractive they can make us. External beauty is important to your husband. That's the way God wired him. He was designed to enjoy and appreciate your beauty.

Make sure he has something beautiful to look at!

The Tone of our Voice

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Picking-up from last week's 'home building' segment - today's topic is a biggie. It's an area that I greatly struggle: the tone of our voice.

Oh, it's easy to be sweet as sugar to anyone who calls or comes by - but what about the people who live in our homes? What happens when they frustrate us? Or use a harsh tone with us? Or perhaps they're are doing something we consider unwise or idiotic?

I don't know about you, but my knee-jerk, natural reaction is to blast them! It feels good coming out - but it ALWAYS results in a strained environment. The peaceful, joyful home we once enjoyed is quickly replaced with unforgiving silence, bitterness or strife.

Last week, we learned from Proverbs 14:1 -

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Our voice tone - can destroy our homes if we are not careful. Don't forget, we as wives and mothers set the tone in our homes. This is a huge amount of power. We must use this power wisely.

Let me give you an example: Just last week, my husband was cooking a casserole for me. I peeked in the oven before it was ready and in a loud voice said, "you're burning it!"

The entire atmosphere immediately changed. Here, this thoughtful man, attentive to the fact that I was in the middle of a stressful week, was taking the initiative to help me by cooking dinner. And what was I doing? Criticizing him and jumping down his throat. No one wants to feel belittled. No one wants to be "blasted." (Certainly not us, if the situation were reversed.)

Can you relate? Do you see how quickly we can stir anger and tear down our homes? It only takes a second - and the direction of the entire evening/day is in the pit. And then we wonder why they are withdrawn, uncooperative and sullen...

Let's remember, when "blasted" (figuratively speaking) or when we instinctively want to "blast":

• it's a gentle answer that turns away wrath.
• harsh words stir up anger.

Let's get into the habit of:

• pausing before responding;
• saying a quick arrow prayer, "help me Jesus."

And adjusting our tone of voice so that our homes are havens of peace - not strife.

Wise Home Builders

Proverbs 14:1

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Do you realize that we, as women have a choice as it relates to the health and wealth of our homes...  We can either intentionally build our homes with our actions, attitudes and words?  OR we can foolishly tear it down with our actions, attitudes or words.

God intends for us to WISELY build our homes.  Building takes EFFORT.  It does not always happen by accident.

One way we can be a wise home builder is by creating our homes to be havens - a place that is peaceful, restful and to enjoyed by all. Our homes should be a place where it's safe for our families to let down their guard and be themselves.  A place where family members are loved unconditionally and cared for.  A haven is also a place where there's good food to eat.  My friend Ellen has told me on many occasions that her ministry to her husband and 3 boys is done mainly in the kitchen.  She always has good food on hand that everyone enjoys.

A wise home builder plans meals that most everyone likes.  This is often difficult, but when you have a picky eater - find at least one thing you can serve you know they enjoy.
 
As women, much of the harmony in the home depends on us. Our attitudes - happy or joyful affects everybody else's mood in the house.  If choose to be joyful - our family will follow our lead.  If we choose grumpiness and a complaining heart - watch and see what comes out of your children's mouth...

A older, wiser friend once told me, "If your husband is continually grumpy, you need to evaluate the love bank."  In other words, when was the last time you lit the candle?  

Keeping the home fires burning is big way of building a strong connection with our husbands. This connection can permeate harmony through the rest of the home bringing: joy, peace, security...instead of strife and discord.

Lastly, we, as women, are the heart of the home.  The small and big decisions we make can impact our husbands and children.  For example, if we over book our calendars, our children and spouse will FEEL a lack of harmony in the home.

On the flip side if our children's calendar is loaded with sports and extracurricular  - this too affects the harmony in the home.   A wise home builder finds balance between too much and not enough. (Not enough can often lead to excess in video games; internet use etc...  which personally drives me crazy!)

A wise woman must be intentional.  Building takes effort.  Tearing down takes little to no effort.  We can't always go on auto pilot with our families - if we do - we may be tearing down not intentionally wisely building.

"That Couple"

OK, let's pick back up where we were before. I must confess, this subject is so incredibly uncomfortable for me to write about. However, it's everywhere in our culture. It's paramount in our marriages. And sticking with the with theme of my ministry, "helping women to hear and see Jesus in their everyday lives," I can't think of a subject where we may need Him more than this one. Not to mention, based upon your feedback - I think I've hit a nerve.

1 Corinthians 7:5

"Do not deprive each other... so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

Is your husband often irritable? Do you find him to be uncooperative? Do you often find him emotionally detached?

Perhaps you reason it away to him being distracted over his work...

Perhaps you just reason it away to him being a jerk! (And he may be being a jerk!)

But may I suggest that his difficult behavior or uncooperative spirit may be connected to his sexual need. You are right, perhaps it may be his work, but what's the underlying root of the issue? I'm willing to go out on a limb here, but once that need is met with regular consistency- you may rediscover the man you originally fell in love with.

Have you ever been around "that couple" who is smitten over each other - even after years of marriage? Have you ever sat in jealousy over how attentive that friend's husband was to her needs?

I don't think this kind of marriage just happens. Needs on BOTH sides are being met.

I've been "that woman" who sat in jealousy over the attentiveness of a friend's husband. However, the other night, at a friend's party, I was sitting at a table with 2 other women chatting away. Out of the blue my sweet man came over to see "if there was anything I needed?" He also gently asked if he could get anything for me. The look of amazement on the other women's faces was striking. I was kinda surprised too! Without sounding too proud or haughty, I quietly told him "no thank you."

But I must admit, it sure was good to be "that couple" for once!