Discipline without Love...

Colossians 3:21

Fathers, do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged.

Not too long ago, I watched a single mom, whom I love and respect, with her teenage kids. They adore their mother. They always have. But when the subject of their father came up - it was a different story.


Now please don't get me wrong, this is not an exercise in criticism. If we learning from others, we can learn what to do and what not to do.



One of the things I observed was a lack of respect for their father. (Now this lesson could be for a mother as well.) Not in terms of talking back or disobedience. But in not valuing his opinion; emotionally detached; spending time with this Dad is a chore and a duty. Certainly not something they enjoy doing. They would much rather spend time with their mother. I even got the feeling that if they never visited their father - it would be okay. The whole situation was very sad to me.


Keep in mind, this Dad, is a great Dad. He's seems to enjoy being with his boys. He genuinely wants the best for them. He spends tons of money to keep them in private school. He's bought them cars so they get from place to place. He makes sure they are in church every Sunday morning when they are with him. He lives in a great house - in a great neighborhood. These boys are amply provided for. But something has gone amiss. Something vital is missing from this relationship.

So I asked the Lord, "what's happened here? What's happened in this relationship?"


And as He often does, over the next few days, His thoughts began to drop into my heart. I began to discern that this crumbling relationship is due to a lack of love. Discipline with little to no love causes exasperation; embitterment and discouragement.


I began to wonder when the last time these boys were hugged by their Dad? Told they were loved? Felt truly listened to by their Dad? Or if their dreams were accepted even though they differed from their Dad's dreams for them? Did they even feel they could share their dreams with their Dad?


On the flip side, their Mom has established a strong love relationship with these kids. They know they are loved and accepted by her - even when their dreams do not fit in the box of what she wants for them.

This was a hard-core lesson for me in discipline AND love. Discipline is a MUST. The Bible says, "God disciplines those He loves, and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son." (Hebrews 12:6) "That when we are enduring hardship as discipline, that God is treating us as sons." (v7) Just as God disciplines us, so we must discipline our children as well.


Yet we must remember that we cannot remove the love. Our children must know - MUST KNOW, that even though we are their parents (not their friends), that discipline is a part of life. Discipline must be cloaked in love. If we fail to love, we'll lose their trust; their respect and eventually, their hearts.


What a lesson for Mom's as well as for Dad's. (By the way Mom's, DO NOT forward this to your husband if he fits in this category. You will probably not get the response you are looking for. Pray for him instead!)

Have a great day!

Do Our Children Know They are Loved?

1 John 4:19

"We love because He first loved us."

As you read the title, I'm sure your knee-jerk response is, "of course my children know they are loved." But let me ask you, what kind of atmosphere have you created in your home? One of love and acceptance? Or indirectly one of criticism; fear; or of keeping a list of wrongs?


Right now in this season of my life, God is asking me to believe Him for big things. Unbelief is ever crouching at my door. So in my quiet time, the Lord is having me "look back" over the course of my life - to see His Presence and faithfulness even when I didn't know He was there.


Now hang with me - I'm not veering from the parenting subject - I'm making a point.


One of the things I've learned is that I was 34 before I fully began to grasp how much God loves me. It was when I saw Isaiah 54:10 for the first time. "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.


In other words, no matter what you have done in your past Tara - though you have shaken the mountains and removed the hills with your sinful past, My love for you, will never be shaken or removed. I love you - I love you completely.


Now keep in mind, I've been in church all of my life; in Bible study for 10 years and a Bible study leader for 4 of those years. Yet it was at the age of 34, when I began to understand God's unmovable, unshakable love for me - despite my messes along the way. And trust me, there are messes. Prior to this, I believed God was keeping a list of my mistakes and ready to bonk me on the head for everything I did wrong. But this is not the God of the Bible!


God has revealed to me over the last week that the only example of unconditional love modeled in my childhood, was the love my Mom and Dad demonstrated and continue to demonstrate to me - even during turbulent years.

God desires for us to model His love to our children. I say this ever so respectfully and reverently, but we are to model God to our children. How will our children ever love God and revere His Word unless they know how loved they are? I can truly testify, the only reason I love God right now at the age of 40, is because He first loved me - and He demonstrated it through my parents until I could understand His love.


Do not assume that gift buying, elaborate vacations or the mere fact that you provide food, shelter and play dates, or that you pay the college tuition or private school tuition, that these things articulate the words, "I love you." Children need the tangible.


I just recently read George Bush's book, Decision Points. (By the way, a great read!) But one of the things that struck a cord with me, was the out spoken and demonstrative ways his father, George H. W. Bush loved him. During his childhood and college years, when he made many mistakes, he never doubted his father's unwaivering love. Even as President of the United States, Bush writes that receiving notes from his Dad during his presidency - encouraging him and telling him, "I love you," carried him through many storms. Bush writes that to this day, his father still hugs him and tells him, "I love you, son." (So precious!)


Do your children know they are loved? Loved unconditionally? Are you telling them? Do they know that they are accepted by you - despite the disappointments they may cause?


Even if it was not spoken to you as child, break the mold and tell your children on a regular basis that you love them. (No matter what their age.) Ask the Lord to show you ways to demonstrate His love to each of them personally.


It'll pay dividends - more on this next week!

Making the Most of the Time - Great Ideas!

Colossians 4:5

Make the most of every opportunity.

Suzi shares that statistics say, the average Mom spends 4 minutes a day in meaningful interaction with her children. The average Dad spends 2 and a half minutes. Yikes! As I read this am I the average Mom? Some days, I would have to say, "yes."

I'm not sure what age your children are, but one of the common denominators I'm getting from from these wise women are the same: Children grow up so fast and are gone before you know it! Make the most of your time with them.

I have 8 more years with my son under my roof - 10 more with my daughter. Have you ever looked at it from that perspective? When I do, it makes me want to parent with more intentionality.

With this in mind, yesterday was the first day of my children's summer break. So we sat down in the living room - white board in hand - and determined a daily schedule. I shared what I expected from them - that not everyday was going to be a party - that we would enjoy our summer break, but that they have responsibilities as well. I also outlined basic behavior guidelines that are expected from each child. (I firmly believe that children crave structure.)

I don't want to be "that Mom" that parents out of whatever is easiest - putting them in front of the TV or video games to pass the time. I also don't want to be "that Mom" who has her nose in the IPhone all day either. I truly want to engage my kids with meaningful interaction -making the most of every opportunity.

Let me give you some examples the Lord has shared with me:

Spiritually:

• Rewarding my children for establishing their own quiet time. (God gave me a great idea with the use of marbles. I have 2 different colored marbles for each child. Once the child has 5 marbles in the jar - I'll take them out for a special treat.


• Prayer Journal - Both children have the prayer journal I designed and published. We are going to be diligent to particularly use the thanksgiving section each day. I want them to record God's blessings. Then we can go back at the end of the summer and remember our blessings and our days together.


• Begin each day in prayer. I do this each day before school, but we will continue this summer. I want to teach my children in the habit of giving each day to God.

Practically:

• One of the women I consulted, Dina, said she has turned off the TV! (She has 4 young children and is a homeschooling mom). She says that she "is so done with the junk." I applaud her! For my house, TV/video games are now limited to a small amount of time each day.

Instead of having TV time, she is started book time. She has a basket for each child and has filled their basket with books. (Books she bought for .25 from friends.) Yesterday, we went to Barnes and Noble. (My kids had gift cards.) And bought several books to load their baskets. We normally do not frequent B&N, so it was a cool treat yesterday from the heat.

• TV substitutes - My friend, Michelle, bought the whole Brady Bunch series. Along with The Cosby Show and a few others for her children's television time. (Amazon - her children are 5Th and 8Th grade). Her thoughts are that the Disney and Nickelodeon Shows are continually pushing the envelope. There are too few shows that her kids are allowed to watch.


• I've planned a trip to the homestead of my Father. It's 2 hours east in the deep, deep, deep, deep country! Today is the anniversary of my Grandmother's home going 10 years ago. My children have an interest in seeing where my Dad grew up and the tombstone of their godly great-grandmother. (We're stopping at Pizza Inn for lunch to break up the monotony of the long trip and to help keep it fun!


• A trip to the Legislature. As citizens, we can go and watch the proceedings in the gallery above. To make it extra special, Will's Sunday School teacher is the majority leader in the House of Representatives. We see him on TV a LOT! Paul "Skip"Stam is a Godly man who is standing firm against the tide of immorality and depravity in North Carolina. I want to expose him to men in politics who are making such bold stands.


• To Krispy Kreme for hot doughnuts and to watch them make the doughnuts!


• Trips to museums -

These are thoughts I've had. We will not do them everyday, but I intend to be intentional about making the most of the time I have with my children throughout the summer.

What are your plans? Will you share them? Even if you are a grandmother - we would love to hear your ideas.

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As iron sharpens iron, let's sharpen each other. Let's share how we can make the most of our time with our children/grandchildren this summer. PLEASE COMMENT!!!! Don't be shy. We'd love to hear your thoughts!