The Rest of the Story

Don't Forget!

Thursday, July 21st

Chick-fil-A

Cary Towne Center

4:30-7:30pm

Your participation will help us launch:

Workshops

Ladies Lunches

Women's Leadership Lunches

Conferences

Our vision is to grow the Body of Christ using Biblical principles and resources for women. It all starts with the heart of the home - YOU!

Items to be raffled off:

One year supply of Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches!

The newly redesigned Prayer Journals - great for either gender - perfect for the one who wants a closer walk with Jesus.

The newly - soon to be introduced - redesigned Bible Study: Intimacy with God: Establishing a Vibrant Quiet Time and Prayer Life!

Starbucks gift cards - nothing sweeter than Starbucks and your Bible in your lap!

1 Corinthians 11:3

"Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."

Today, I'm picking back up where our story left off yesterday. To refresh your memory...

Nancy's husband, Ray, had lost his job as a corporate president upon the company having been sold. And after being unemployed for months, he accepted a job in Omaha, Nebraska (far from Raleigh, NC, and also far from her children, her father, her ministry, and her friends). Her life had been in Raleigh, and now she was moving to what felt like the other side of the world.

The story picks up here! Grab your tissue...

"I chose - please note the choice of words, "I CHOSE" - to leave Raleigh cheerfully. My husband had been miserable for months. He was mad all the time. He seemed to only focus on himself. Yet I was resolved to help my husband regain the joy in his life (Don't forget, the Bible says that the woman's role is be a helper - Genesis 2:18). So we left everything and moved to Omaha.

Once in Omaha, I told Ray he could choose the church we would attend. He chose the one closest to us. (What a blessing as it was the church I wanted to attend!) But the amazing thing is, it was at that point in our relationship that we both started to fly. Ray LOVED his job. He later told me that this was his favorite job ever!

And around the same time, the Lord opened a door for me to go on staff at our church as Women's Ministry Director. I served for 12 years and had 33 leaders serving under my leadership. By the grace of God, the ministry soared!

God allowed me to write 4 books on marriage and appear on local and national television. I did 100's of radio interviews around the country and even had my own segment on the radio ministering to women about marriage. God honored the sacrifice I had made to joyfully leave everything I loved - even when I didn't want to go. This became a very special time in our marriage and to us professionally.

A few years later, Ray was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Months before he died, he said, "I'm dedicating to you Alan Jackson's song, 'Stroll Along in Heaven with You'." Then he asked me, "how will I find you in heaven when you die?"

I asked him if he thought he was going to heaven. He said he wasn't sure. I then asked if I could share the Gospel with him, which he had heard many times, yet I don't know if he had ever truly accepted Christ. So, I shared the Gospel and he accepted Christ!

At his funeral, we played that song. Truly, in the end, submission won!"

Throughout Nancy's story, I hope you picked up on how God honored her obedience to Him by her resolve to submit to and to help her husband.

She made this comment to me recently, and I'll just pass it along, "there will be times you will not want to or feel like submitting to his leadership, but you do it out of obedience to the Lord, TRUSTING AND KNOWING that God WILL honor your actions. Make a choice to do it; your emotions will eventually catch up."

Have a great day. Hope to see you at Chick-fil-A!

Who's the Leader Here Anyway?

JOIN US!

Thursday, July 21st

4:30-7:30pm

Chick-fil-A, Cary Towne Center

It's going to be really hot outside, so come grab a refreshing peach milkshake.

One of the primary purposes of Knowing God Ministries is to help you - the heart of the home - build stronger homes and stronger families through a personal relationship with Christ.

Through Bible studies, prayer journals, marriage books, girls' lunches and conferences, we can learn how to live with purpose so that we can have a greater impact on our co-workers, our friends, our neighbors, and the next generation.

...But launching a ministry is not cheap to do! It costs lots of money.

We NEED YOUR HELP!

So we came up with a fun way to connect with each other AND to help KGM launch

life-impacting initiatives this fall.

CFA is so gracious. They are donating 20% of the sales to Knowing God Ministries.

Several team members and I will be there to thank you. Make sure you tell them you are with KGM!

(Back to the story!)

Who's the Leader Here Anyway?

2 Corinthians 11:3

"Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."

Several of you sent letters last week asking about spiritual leadership in the home. The Bible says that our husbands are to be the spiritual leader of the home, not us. Yet quite often, reality is different. God created the woman to be the heart of the home. And He created man to be the leader.

I know that some of you have husbands that refuse to go to church with you, much less be the spiritual leader of the home. When that happens, what's a girl to do?

In today's post, you will see how Nancy Cobb (see yesterday's post for more details about this sweet woman) answers the question of spiritual leadership in the home. The answer might not be what you want to hear. But you will see from her story that it works. Be inspired.



"In those first years, I thought something was wrong with Ray. His personality was not mine - which I thought seemed perfect. If only he could be more like me... But then after 23 years of marriage, and having been in the organized church for much of my life, I met Christ. As I spent time with Him, in His Word, my thinking and behavior began to change.

Even as a rookie Christian, I knew that I was not to be the spiritual leader of the family. So what I did was privately surrender my control to Jesus and to Ray. I didn't tell him. I just did it. What does surrender control mean? I resolved to live out God's principle's for marriage, which includes submission.


In those early days, Ray said I could go to Bible study, but he never wanted to see me with my notes or have my Bible out where he could see it. I made no comment. This was between the Lord and him. I did what Ray said.


Within a year, Ray joined a Bible study and was divinely placed under the leadership of a very godly man whom he respected.

I asked Ray if he wanted to go to church with me. I had been going alone. He said he would if our son would go as well. I asked our son and he said he'd go if I bought him a sport coat. Right after that we all went as a family. He told me later that he wanted to go to a different church. I don't think he knew how to articulate it, but he wanted a Bible teaching church - not the church we were currently attended that was rich in ritual, yet lacked real teaching.

Ray would often say no to casual requests and I went along with his directives. For example, one day my dad called. He was going to have elective surgery and asked if I could take care of him in Virginia. Ray said that I couldn't go that week, but could the next. I told Ray that I wanted to go. His response was that I had just been at a 3 day retreat, and he was lonely. God says in His Word, "It is not good that man should be ALONE. I will make him a helper" (Genesis 2:18).


When I called my dad, he said, "That's ok dear, I'll have a neighbor take care of me." Feeling horrible, I called my sister and asked if she could go. She not only went, but for the first time ever, my dad and sister bonded. If I had dismissed Ray's request, their relationship would never have had a chance. They would have missed this sweet blessing if I hadn't honored my husband's request and submitted to it.

And then disaster struck.


After years and years of serving as president of a company, the business sold and he lost his job. After trying for 7 long months to find a job in our home town, Ray finally called his friend in Omaha, who gave him a very prestigious job. At that time, Ray was so mad at life. All he noticed was himself.

But I did not want to move. I lost my ministry, nearness to my children, close proximity to my Dad, our home, and all my friends. Was this God's plan for me?

Wait till you see what happened when I cheerfully left Raleigh, dedicating my life to helping my husband regain his joy in living."

Tomorrow: The Rest of the Story!

Make sure you have a tissue in hand :)

Submission - Lived Out in Everyday life

Ephesians 5:22

Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

So, what does submission look like in everyday life?

First of all, let me give an example of what it's NOT:

Yelling and saying a cuss word at your husband like I did a few weeks ago. This only led to immediate regret and although I WAS RIGHT, I was the one who ended up apologizing! (Sorry if I've disappointed you. I'm growing just as you are.)

A better example:

One of my first opportunities to practice submission came over the issue of money. At the time, I handled all the bills. One night, my husband and I had a big disagreement over the allocation of funds. The disagreement got heated. I thought one way was best. He thought another way and no one was budging. As usual for that period of time, I stomped off in a huff.

Sulking, I began thinking about our strengths. Finance has never been one of my strong suites. On the other hand, he has a graduate degree in business and is a numbers guru. Case closed. Who's idea was best? Clearly his.

I ate humble pie and told him that even though I thought my way was best, that his way was probably better and that we should do it his way. (I must say, humble pie that first time nearly choked me. But once it was out, it felt pretty good. I also had an immediate peace in my heart.)

Now, for the "God clause!"
When you and your husband totally disagree and no one is budging, someone must budge. This is when I apply the "God clause." Do you know what the "God clause" is?

Notice that Ephesians says, "submit to your husbands as to the Lord" (italics mine).
The Bible says that the one to budge is the wife - and we do it as to the Lord. I have prayed, many times, "Lord, as unto You.... I do not agree with this, but because Your Word says that I am the one to cave - I cave to You. (There have been some battles that I added "because I cannot cave to him.") I've gotten better at it though!

Girlfriend, God honors this. It gets His attention. This is obedience to His Word. It is not old-fashioned and His Word is not outdated. But when marriages all around us are falling apart - even Christian marriages - we need something that works. Our kids need something that works. The world's way and the modern feminist's way are not working. Actually, I think the modern feminist movement emasculates the man's role in the family. (That's another day's post.)

If you've read my blog post for long then you know, I am not a door mat. I'm just an ordinary woman, who has come to know an extraordinary God. His ways and His principles work. Submission, like it or not, is one of God's principles for marriage.

I, for one, like the principle - because it takes the responsibility off of me and places it on him!

Tomorrow:

A special announcement!

AND

Harry Potter

De-Heading the 2-Headed Monster

Ephesians 5:22

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

After yesterday's post, were you awakened to a possible monster in your house?

If so, then in an effort to de-head this 2 headed monster, we need to focus on our job description in marriage. One of the descriptions of our job is submitting to our husbands as to the Lord.

Submission requires strength. Submission is not for the weak; it requires discipline and supernatural strength from God Himself. And may I say, the days that the 2-headed monster rears it's ugly head in my home are on the days that I've failed to spend time with Jesus. Spending time with Him prepares us and gives us the supernatural strength that submission requires. Not only that, but spending time with the Lord gives us joy and peace in the process.

Nancy Cobb, in her book, The Politically Incorrect Wife, says "that we are responsible for our roles. Your husband is responsible for his. What if you do your job, but he doesn't do his? This is between him and the Father. God will deal with a disobedient or ungodly husband. Your concern is whether or not you're doing your job well, and you can gauge this by your obedience."

Are you willing to be obedient to God's principle's for marriage?

Keep in mind, if you have children in the home, YOU and your husband are their role models. How you behave and treat their father will determine their view for marriage and quite possibly the outcome of their marriage. For example, if your daughter sees you disrespecting and usurping her father's authority - you can unwittingly be setting your daughter up to be in a loveless marriage. How? Because she, in turn, will walk all over her husband. How can a man that was created to crave respect truly love his wife if he is perpetually disrespected?

The same is true for your son. You may be setting a precedent for your son to be a spineless worm who looks for a domineering woman who will eventually take away his manhood by being the head of the home. I see it everywhere in our culture - in politics, at the mall, in the church! Men who are now silent because their wives are running the show!

Yesterday, before my children and I began our day, we started in prayer. I looked to Will and said, "Will you open us?" He responded by begrudgingly saying, "why do I always have to open us in prayer?" (Meanwhile, my daughter was in the background saying, "I'll start!") With these posts in mind, the Lord led me to respond, "Because I am raising you to be a man. And a man is to be the spiritual leader of his home. Now open us in prayer."

Girls, it takes a strong woman to submit. Let me say it again, a strong woman. But when we obey God, He will bless obedience. And you will have a sense of peace knowing you have done your job well in God's eyes. Furthermore, the consequences of the decision now fall on your husband, not you!

Next 2 posts:

Examples of what submission looks like in the home.

Harry Potter?

Do You Have a Monster in Your House?

Ephesians 5:22

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

So, I could tell from Friday's post, we need more on the subject of submission. But let me ask you: are you willing to "hear" with your heart what Biblical submission really is? Or are you merely going to delete this post because - certainly - it will not, does not, nor will it EVER pertain to you?


If you are married to an unbeliever or even if you are married to a believer, but you find yourself in a loveless marriage, then I would encourage you to revisit God's principles for marriage.

God does not give us a bunch of rules to be mean or for us to live in bondage. God's rules, or "principles for marriage," are intended to bring order, peace, and joy into the home. They are meant for our good and for our protection. Just as Henry Ford created the first automobile and knew how it worked inside and out, God created marriage. He created man and woman. God knows what works best.

With that said, are you a little more calm now about the subject of submission?! Are you willing to receive what it is as God intends for it to be?

God loves us so much. His principle for submission is not intended to make us second-class citizens. We have to trust His principles for marriage even though those principles may run in complete contradiction to how we operate or think. Let's look at the Biblical definition for submission. I found this definition in Nancy Cobb's and Connie Grigsby's book, "The Politically Incorrect Wife."

Submission is voluntarily cooperating with another out of love and respect for God and for that person.

Notice that no where in the definition did it include the words "inferior" or "less than." God has given us a chain of command within the home.

"Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God" (1 Cornthians 11:3).

In other words, the man is in charge of the home. The woman is second in command.

Do you remember back during the Clinton presidency (his 1st term) when we were told that Hillary was a "co-president?" That we got 2 for the price of 1? (Lucky us!) Remember how that went over in the public? Not too well.

The same is true in the family. There is a head and a co-head. I've never forgotten how my friend, Fayeson, has described this: "2 heads make a monster." So if you have 2 people trying to do the same job, chances are, you've got a monster in the house.

Do you have a monster in your house?

Coming up:

Focusing on your job description and modeling it for your children.

What submission looks like in everyday life...

Harry Potter...

Married to an Unbeliever?

2 Corinthians 6:14

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

I've wondered if anyone reading my last two posts has begun to identify with exactly what not to do in marriage?

That perhaps you've realized - maybe for the first time - that your husband is not a true believer in Jesus Christ. That perhaps he goes to church each week and has done all the denomination requirements, but by his everyday behavior and attitude, you can tell that this God thing is a Sunday thing.

And with that thought, I'm concerned that you feel hopeless.

So what do you do when you realize that you are married to an unbeliever? Divorce him? Hardly! Beat him over the head with your Bible and impress him with all your Jesus knowledge? (I wouldn't do that either - it'll backfire! Trust me.)

Let me give you some hope, dear sister. Scripture gives us some very specific directions in winning our lost men.

1 Peter 3:1 - "Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (emphasis mine)

(Do we need another lesson on submission? It's culture's bad word, but it works. Email me if we need another lesson on this very important and vital subject.)

1 Peter 3:4 - "Our beauty should be that of our inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

Choose to be a gentle woman.

When you study the life of Jesus in the gospels, you see that He loved people into the Kingdom. He didn't beat 'em over the head. In fact, I'm blown away by how the worst of sinners were drawn to Him. How can you be drawn to someone who makes you feel condemned or guilty? (Please don't confuse with condoning wrong behavior.) Jesus loved them and then presented truth.

There is so much that can be said on this subject. But the point today is to encourage you - for you to know that there is hope.

Let me close with one of my favorite Scriptures:
Joel 2:25 - "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten."

Even if you've blown it with your own marriage, there's hope dear sister. Start doing things God's way and the times that are hard - maybe even miserable - God is able to redeem and repay these locust eating years.

Intentionally Directing our Children in Marriage

Genesis 24:3

"I want you to swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."

When you read the opening segment of Genesis 24, we learn that Abraham was "old and advanced in years." However, instead of kicking back and coasting through his last years, he was intentional about making sure that his son DID NOT marry any of the unbelieving women around him. Why? Because the God he had taught his son to love and obey would be forever compromised if he married one of the girls in the neighborhood.

So Abraham commanded his servant to find a wife from his "own relatives." In other words, find a wife from within the family for Isaac. We are to do the same thing. We are to instruct our children to marry within the family of God.

What priorities are you helping your children set for selecting their spouses? Are you steering them to make decisions based on:

• Certain backgrounds?


• Certain financial means?


• Certain professional means?


• Certain educational levels?


• Certain political views? (I'm certainly guilty of this one!)


• A certain social status?

In an effort to direct our children not to be unequally yoked, I'll share some specific things I learned and am practicing after reading Anne Lotz's, Magnificent Obsession, Embracing the God-Filled Life.

As Christian parents, we need to:

• Direct our children to connect with Christian friends, since they will likely choose a friend to date.


• Limit their dating to Christians, since most likely they will marry someone they have dated.


• Urge them to not go to certain places where temptations may be more than they can handle.


• Encourage them to marry someone who shares not just their religion, their denomination, their traditions, or their education, but their passion - someone who loves Jesus with all of his or her heart, mind and soul.

Abraham's priority was spiritual. Ours should be too. If our children end up with someone who is not truly godly, how will our faith and our personal relationship with Jesus be passed on to our grandchildren?

Next post: What to do if you realize YOU are unequally yoked.

Words Matter

Philippians 4:8

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lively, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

My 40th birthday was Friday! And my husband has absolutely spoiled me. He's calling it "Taraukkah"! (After Hanukkah) Please KNOW that I'm not trying to be boastful or elicit any form of coveting. (Trust me, I have my fair share of issues.) But I want to give a shout-out to him because he's awesome and so is my family. Birthday's are big in our family. In fact, my Dad started sending "it's coming" emails 2 days prior to April 1st. And my husband proclaimed last Wednesday - "that the birthday week shall commence!" And it has! In fact, I'm sick of me. But Tim's thoughtfulness, creativity, and effort has touched my heart more than I can ever really communicate to him. He has truly focused on my favorite things, my favorite foods and my favorite people. Though I've tried to communicate my gratitude - my cup still overflows from his thoughtfulness.

The other reason I'm sharing this is NOT to elicit "happy birthday's" from each of you, but to spring board today's topic - How are we talking to our men? Are we glass 1/2 empty girls or are we glass 1/2 full girls? Are we using our WORDS to thank and praise our men? Today's work culture is cut throat. Many men do not have jobs. But the ones who do - I can assure you - they are not hearing words of affirmation from their bosses in the workplace. So what about at home? Are they hearing words of affirmation and appreciation from you? Just as we are starving for our love language to be met by our husbands, they too are starving for words of praise and encouragement. Let me give you some examples:

• "Thank you for taking out the trash."


• "Thank you for going to work today."


• "Thank you for giving the kids a bath."


• "You look so nice. Your butt looks great in those pants!" (Sorry girls, but this is real life- let's be real!)


• "You are such a great father."


• "You are such a thoughtful and wonderful husband. Thank you for being such a great provider."

Even if your husband only does one thing - and you wish he'd do MUCH MORE - thank him for that one thing. Perhaps if you begin to thank him on a regular basis, he'll begin to do more. Anytime your husband puts forth an effort - notice it and thank him for it. RESIST all temptation to focus any negatives.

Our husband's may be big and macho on the outside - but on the inside - most of them are very sensitive. Our words make a difference. I want to challenge you to make a list of 10 things that you love about your husband. Place your list in your prayer journal. Go back over it as often as needed. This will enable you to "think about the excellent or praiseworthy" things in your marriage. THEN COMMUNICATE IT!

Have a super day!

Date Night

2 Corinthians 13:11

"...be of one mind, live in peace."

When was the last time you and your husband went on a date? In the busyness of everyday life, setting aside time to nurture that relationship is often the first thing to go - At least it is for me.

But last night, my husband and I had a much needed date night. For us, date night is a time to talk about the things that we normally don't talk about; share our heart; share our goals and a time to share our dreams. It's a time of great encouragement. Last night, we went to one restaurant for an appetizer and another for a lite dinner. (We both are probably A.D.D. The change of scenery is fun to us!)

We are especially blessed to have both of our families living in the city we live. Last night, my Mom was our hero. I praise Jesus for her. She is such a blessing to my sister and I. Her offers to help always seem to come at just the right time.

But what if funds are tight? And if you have small kids at home and can't afford a sitter?

Have date night at home. Plan a special meal (one that your husband likes ensures a great start); either put the kids to bed early or start a movie with popcorn in another room - with an immediate bed time afterward. COMMAND them NOT to interrupt unless someone is sick or bleeding. The penalty for interruption - immediately to their room for the night.

A dear friend of mine used to make this a priority when her boys were growing up. After paying a babysitter, they didn't have much money, so they'd go to McDonald's for date night. These were not exactly the most romantic dinners, but in retrospect, she recalls those memories as some of the sweetest during that period of her life.

Date night is a night for reconnection. Make plans now for a date night. Surprise your husband with it - he'll be thrilled! Pray ahead of time for rich and full conversation. Pray for openness between each other. Pray that God will pour out His favor and blessing during this special time.

So when was your last date night? After last night, I know that I need to make it more of a priority. I'm missing out on a blessing if I don't.

Parenting in Harmony

Last week, one of you sent a note asking about marriage and parenting. It was a great question and before I just shot off my immediate thoughts - I wanted to take some time to pray through it.

The question:

How do you handle conflicts concerning children - especially teenage children. Often the mother is the primary care-giver and nurturer - we often have a difficult time coming to the same conclusion.

Now, let me give you some Scriptures to back up the answer:

Colossians 3:2

Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.

Colossians 3:18

Wives submit to your husbands. (There it is again!)

Romans 15:5

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves...

First of all KNOW with great certainty, your husband has your child's best interest in mind. He's her dad! Also KNOW, that if he is a born-again believer - than the same Spirit of God living inside of you - also lives inside of him. (I happen to know the gal who the submitted the question - she is a believer.)

Based on Scripture, the first thing I would encourage you to do is to pray. And pray some more.

However, don't pray that God will change your husband's mind. Pray that both of you will have the mind of Christ in that particular situation. That if he's off or if you are off - that the Lord would reveal that to you. Now keep in mind, if you pray this - you have to humbly open yourself to God's thoughts. You must release "having to be right."

Other ways to pray:

Pray that He'll give you and your husband a spirit of unity in your parenting.

Pray that God will help you to see the situation from your husband's perspective.

Pray that as God gives you His thoughts, that you'd be willing to submit to His thoughts and then to your husband.

When I disagree with my husband, one of the thoughts I have is: Am I willing to die on this hill? Meaning - is my way TRULY the only way? (By the way, you can't die on every hill. If you have to have your way all the time, your husband will begin to resent you. Choose your battles wisely.)

If so, wait until you cool off. Pray that God will give you set apart time to discuss the situation without arguing. Listen to his side. Share your side. If your husband is still dogmatic about his way - as unto the Lord - submit to him. GOD WILL HONOR THIS. Make sure you do it with a right heart. This is when you remind yourself that your husband is on your team; that this is his daughter too. And that he loves her as much as you love her. (Remember, men show love differently than we do.)

Also, keep in mind, never undermine your husband's parenting in front of your children. I firmly believe that we need to present a united front.

As parents, we are leaving a legacy of potentially how our children will live with their spouses and will raise their children. We want to model a healthy marriage based upon the principles found in Scripture. (Because they work!!!!)

If your husband is not "there" yet, God can work with one - you! As you live out HIS principles for marriage - (those principles are not always easy) - yet we are promised great fruit and great reward! (Col. 3:24; John 15:5)

Success in God's Eyes

Colossians 3:2

Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things.

Last week, Elizabeth Taylor died. Did you see it? The same day we were in the midst of bombing Libya; Japan's in the midst of a titanic disaster with potential global consequences and the lead story on the evening news was Elizabeth Taylor. The pinnacle of an era - had died.

Have you ever noticed how the world defines success? The world's definition of success seems to be based on a person's health, their wealth or prosperity. Sometimes it's defined by the size house or the neighborhood they live in. The world also seems to measure success by the kind of car one drive's; their bank account; their savings; their portfolio; their investments; the extravagence of their toys and properties. The list could go on and on...

But more importantly, is this how God measures success. All that matters at the end of life, is God's definition of success. Do you think God would have defined Elizabeth Taylor as successful? Only He knows her heart. The Bible says, "by their fruit you will know." (italics mine).

Elizabeth Taylor was not a woman of my era - I know little about her. She was beautiful and apparently VERY talented. She was adored by all of Hollywood and the media alike. But what I read in the paper and saw in the news, was a train wreck. I would NEVER want my daughter to imulate her. (Or anyone like her for that matter.) Yet, she was lifted up last week as someone to be admired, cherished, almost immortalized.

This whole "isn't Elizabeth Taylor great" thing, got me thinking. As believers, we have to be careful not to think like the world thinks. It's so easy to get sucked-in to the world's philosophies. We have to be intentional about not valuing what the world values - but valuing what God values. Knowing what God values and how He defines success - will require us to open our Bibles each day and to take the time to find out! Taking the time (first thing in the morning or at some point during our day) to set our mind on the things above.

Personally, I believe the people are who are most successful in God's eyes - would probably surprise us! Don't misunderstand, we are not called to judge - but we are called to be fruit inspectors. What's the quality of your fruit?

Resolving Conflict - Part 2

Proverbs 29:11

"A fool gives full vent to (her) anger, but a wise (woman) keeps (herself) under control."

For years - I was that fool. And if I'm not careful... if the right button is pressed... WHAM!

So how do we not become the fool that Proverbs references? How do we not explode when our buttons are pushed and we're at our limits? Let's pick up where we left off yesterday:

5. Learn to listen.

Discern what your husband is saying and what he's not saying. Read between the lines. What are the real concerns? PAUSE... Say an arrow prayer... Listen to his opinions and thoughts. Don't assume that you are always right - you're not!

"Everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. and slow to become angry..." James 1:19

6. Do it in love.

Have a goal in any conflict: deeper understanding of each other. Often, I find that I just want to win the point; to have the last word - but then it's just a game. And our marriages shouldn't be matches of winner or loser. Take time to begin to understand the other's view point. "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1Peter 4:8

7. Stop Remembering

Do you drag out the past? Do you keep lists of his failures? Choose to close the book and move on! Remember: "love keeps no record of wrongs." 1 Cor. 13:5

8. Control your emotions

People can say very hurtful and destructive things under stress. Recognize those stress times: tired, hungry, sick, sexual needs, job loss, job stress, financial problems. Learn to be sensitive to your spouse so that you can recognize these moments. Choose to be patient and quiet. (By the way, this is a learned skill - it is not automatic.)

9. Learn how to bring an argument to conclusion.

If wrong, we should admit it. Be willing to openly apologize for your part of the blame in the conflict - even if it was minor. God will use your selfless spirit to bring healing to your relationship.

Being the first to say, "sorry", will often diffuse the whole situation. Death to self brings life into your spouse and marriage. 2 Cor. 4:12

10. Work on your friendship.

Have fun together! Be willing to accept truth from each other. When conflict comes you will have an established friendship to work as your foundation.

Hope these help. Have a great weekend!

Resolving Conflict in Marriage - Part 1

Do you still have on your big girl pants? Today's post isn't nearly as brutal as yesterday's. Thank you for your comments by the way. (Many of you choose to contact me directly. That's fine.)

Over the next two days, I'll share 11 steps for resolving relational conflict in marriage. I've learned these steps from my friend and mentor Suzi. I have seen them at work in her life and I have practiced them in my own life. THIS BIBLE STUFF WORKS!

The first three steps are paramount for resolving conflict - they set the foundation.

John 15:5,7

"I am the Vine; you are the branches. If a man [woman] remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."

1. Focus on your relationship with Jesus.

Make it your goal to pursue an "abiding" relationship with Christ. The word "abide" means to: depend on; remain in; rest in; cling to; to focus on. It means Jesus becoming your center. It means pleasing Him becoming your passion. As you move toward this kind of relationship with Jesus, your thinking, your behavior, and your responses will gradually come under His control. I don't know about you, but I need His control when I'm mad as fire!

2. Make prayer your priority.

Pray daily for your husband and your marriage. And if possible, pray together as a couple. This will bond you together like nothing else. Remember: prayer is time for God to change your thinking and line it up with His. It's during prayer that God allows me to see things from my husband's perspective - instead of being totally focused on my own agenda. It's also during prayer that I receive my marching orders.

Example: "Be still and know that I am God;" "it is mine to avenge;" "those who wait on the Lord..."

Do you see? Prayer and Bible reading - connecting the dots to your issue is one of the ways God speaks to us.

3. Study God's Word Daily-

Even one verse each day will help you stay on track in your thinking and behavior. This enables us to know God's priorities; His expectations and even His commands. Until recently, (if you are a regular reader to this blog) we learned that making intimacy a priority is a command from God's Word. When we know what His thoughts are, we will more than likely follow.

4. Stay in Touch

Don't live independently of each other. Don't lose sight of each other as you go about your daily activities. Make it a point to hug; to smile; to encourage each other in some way daily. Eat together whenever possible. Call him; text him; email him - be in touch with him at least once during the work day.

I hope these suggestions are practical and helpful. We'll pick up with #5-11 tomorrow.

Before I move on to another marriage topic - (probably forgiveness) - Is there something on your heart that you would like for me to cover? I'd love to hear from you. You can leave a comment below or send me a personal note. I look forward to hearing from you!

Make it a great day!

Approaching Conflict Differently...

Are you ready for a hard to hear lesson? A lesson that is counter-intuitive to the culture we live in? If so, put on your big-girl pants. Today's lesson is thought-provoking and challenging.

Colossians 3:23-24

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (italics mine)

Most of us would have probably said that when we married our motive was to be happy; to enjoy our husbands; and to live happily ever after. But what happens when we aren't happy? What happens when on some days, we don't even like our husbands?

The world tells us that, "we deserve to be happy." "That our children will be happier if we're happy." We're also told that we need to focus on ourselves and what we want; to make sure our desires are satisfied. Do you realize that's just what Satan told Eve in the Garden? (see Genesis 3:5).

But what does God's Word say?

We learn in Scripture that as we relate to our husbands - as we love and encourage and serve them, we are actually serving Christ Himself. In other words, the way we treat our husbands' is considered by Jesus to be the way you treat Him. Your relationship with your husband is a spiritual barometer of your relationship with Christ. (I told you this was not an easy one to hear.)

However, once we get a picture of relating to our husbands' as "unto the Lord," it may change the way we confront conflict. Ask yourself, "would I treat Jesus like this? Would I talk to Jesus like this?" It's Jesus we are ultimately serving.

Before becoming nauseated at the thought of all this, don't miss the reward part! We are promised that the Lord will see our efforts, even if our husbands do not, and reward us for our faithful service.

I hope this encourages you. I hope this challenges and confronts what the world is trying to teach us.

Have a great day!

Are you a Nag?

Yesterday, I heard a radio advertisement for a local restaurant wooing men to watch NCAA basketball from their establishment. The underlining theme of the ad was: why would you want to stay at home with a nagging wife when you could come to their establishment and hear a young perky voice offering you a beer and salivating at the thought of waiting on you? (Gag!)

I heard another ad this morning after dropping my kids off at school. Different establishment - same theme.

Then last week, standing in line at the pharmacy counter in CVS, I was behind an older couple. I felt so sorry for the man. As I stood there watching and listening to this couple, I could hear the voice of my Dad in my ear. (He's known for bringing humor to absurdities.) All I could hear was his voice saying, 'I bet she tells him when he can and can't go to the bathroom too.'

Sorry for the crudeness - but this lady was over the top. She was telling him what to do; where to sign; where to stand; when to move. You would have thought he was handicapped. He wasn't. I was truly embarrassed for him.

However, before I plunge into judgemental thinking, I've learned to view accounts like these through different eyes. Quite often, the Lord is trying to teach me something through such absurdities. He'll allow me to see something that offends me and then will impress upon my heart how He sees aspects of me in that person. It's raw to see variations of yourself in the very thing that repulses you. However, Jesus never convicts us to condemn us - He convicts us because HE wants to refine us; grow us; or perhaps change an area of our behavior.

So, am I a nag?
Am I that CVS woman?
Am I the epitome of those radio commercials that were so very offensive?

Listen to these Scriptures:

With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death. Judges 16:16

(I'm sorry, but that one cracks me up!)

Here's another one:

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.

Proverbs 21:19

(Yikes!)

Girls, whether it's true or not, we have a reputation for being nags. Is this true of you? Below are some thoughts I've asked myself...

• Do you nag him about his driving?
• Do you talk to him like you talk to your children? What is your voice tone?
• Do you nag him until he fixes whatever is broken in your home?
• Do you constantly give him a to-do list on Saturday's or his day off?
• How do you respond when he tells you he's blowing off his list to play golf or something else he wants to do?
• How do you respond when he asks you to fix him a cold beverage or something to eat while he's watching the Duke or Carolina basketball game?
• Do you talk down to him in front of other people - belittling him?

That radio-commercial hit a nerve with me. So did the CVS woman. Let's not be that woman.

(By the way, the ad was for Wild Wing Cafe - don't go there!)

Tomorrow: We'll go back to handling conflict. Sorry for the detour today - it's been on my heart.

Conflict in Marriage

Proverbs 3:34

God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.

We'd all love to think that every day will be sunshine and flowers in our marriages, but realistically, we know there's bound to be conflict. You and your husband are two very different people with unique personalities and opinions. That's not a bad thing. God created us all different because He delights in our differences. Our job is to learn how to approach our differences in a way that promotes unity and love - not division and hurt.

What areas that couples often have disagreements?

Money, children, household duties, social activities, vacations, jobs, food...

What are areas where you and your husband often disagree?

I just recently visited my husband's grandfather. He's 94 years old and lives in an independent living facility. His mind is sharp and he's a spunky as ever! He and his wife were married for over 60 years. We were talking about her on this particular day. With tears in his eyes, he shared that they rarely argued. He said that she "trusted his judgement on the issues where he was stronger," such as finances. She allowed him to do what he deemed best. (There's a lesson in there...)

Let's define conflict: state of open fighting or a state of disagreement and disharmony, a collision, opposition of mutually exclusive impulses, desires or tendencies.

Do you know what's at the center of every conflict?

Self and Selfishness. We'll often blame conflict on circumstances/jobs, children, money, in-laws. But the real problem is OUR will, ego and pride; and our desire to be in control. We want complete freedom to do as we please and our spouse is getting in the way! Pride can so quickly move in and choke out a ministering spirit - making us stubborn and hard-hearted.

Yet, what does Scripture say? "God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble." We also learn in Ephesians 4:2, "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love."

So much easier said than done.

The key to being a doer of the Word: Make spending time with God our priority. There are some conflicts that are so big and deep - only HE can give us the power to swallow our pride choosing humility and gentleness...

What does your time with the Lord look like? Is it quick and hurried? Is it rote? Does it exist at all?

Let this be our starting point of getting rid of the selfishness that seeks to divide us. And examine your heart motives if you are in the midst of a conflict.

More on this tomorrow...

Love Protects

1 Corinthians 13:7

It always protects...

Have you ever noticed the 3 little words that start the 7th verse of 1 Cor.13? I've always glossed over them to embrace the words that follow, "...always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." But these first 3 little words are very important. And can often be extremely challenging.

How do you talk about your husband when he is not listening? What about when you're around a group of girlfriends, and they're all sharing stupid husband stories? Do you chime in as well? What about one-on-one. Do you share your husband's mistakes or make him sound ignorant?

The Bible clearly tells us that we are to protect them. We are to protect their name. We are to protect their reputation. And we are to honor them.

Proverbs 31 adds to this concept:

"She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life." (v12)

Our words can either bring good or harm to our marriages. So if you think - even for a moment - that he would be embarrassed or would not approve of what you are sharing - don't share it! Even if you think he deserves to be embarrassed, the Bible is very clear - we are to protect our husbands.

This choice of protecting our husbands, brings honor to God. And when we actively choose to honor God by honoring our husbands, we can be confident that God will bless these small, yet life potentially marriage changing choices.

Have a great day!

1 Corinthians Style Home Building - Part 2

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Proverbs 14:1

As we continue home building, let's be prudent to the things that bring wisdom. We certainly don't want to be unintentional home wreckers. As you read the Scriptures with the paraphrase, ask the Lord to show you which one or two or three things that He wants you to work on. Write them down in your Prayer Journal. Ask the Lord to strengthen you in these areas. I'm only giving these in bite-size pieces so that we can be doers not just hearers of the Word!

I Corinthians 13:4

Love is patient,

Paraphrase: Love is patient even when my husband isn't feeling well.

:4b

love is kind.

Paraphrase: Love is kind when he makes a mistake that I warned him about.

:4c

it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Paraphrase: Love does not envy my neighbors husband (or anyone else's for that matter.)

:5

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

• Love is not rude when my husband makes demands on my time and I'm already busy;


• it is not self seeking but commits to seek to please my husband and to satisfy his needs over my own,


• love is not easily angered when my husband says something hurtful or insensitive;


• loves keeps no record of wrongs done through the years.

I want to give a shout out to the ladies of Keeping the Festival!

It was such a privilege to spend Friday and Saturday with you. Your hunger for Jesus blessed my heart. As I went to bed Saturday and Sunday night, I thanked God for you and prayed for each of you by name. I prayed that your "reentry" home would smooth and sweet. And I prayed that the Holy Spirit would sear on your heart exactly what He wants you to learn and apply. I prayed for those of you with sons in Afghanistan. And I prayed for Sheila's anointing as she was covering Saturday night. (Our group prayer time Saturday was really cool!)

THANK YOU for showering me gifts, cards and flowers. I was overwhelmed by your overflow of kindness. The Cross made by the man in your area that is almost blind is precious. I value even more that he is related to many of you. I also love the shell platters! Only God knows that I adore things like that. And the shell candle that you fill up with water - it's beautiful! Can't wait to do that. Please know that these treats are treasures. They will cause me to remember and think of you every time I look at them.

Lastly, the cards many of you gave me are the real treasures. I've read them several times already. Thank you for allowing me to see evidence of God speaking into the deep wounds that many of you are carrying. In one of the cards, you wrote the verse God used when He originally called me to a speaking ministry. My husband later gifted me with a painting with this very Scripture on it. It's very dear to me. Tears filled my eyes. I praise Him for each one of you. This second year was sweeter than the first. I love you all. Please keep in touch. Would love to see the pictures!

Home Building Corinthians Style

I am confident that you are familiar with the first 13 verses of 1 Corinthians 13. Most every wedding I've ever attended, these verses are read.

But how do they relate to 'home building' other than the obvious? How do they relate to Jesus in our everyday life? Today and tomorrow,we're going to break it down verse by verse.
My friend, Suzi, who has taught many classes on marriage gave me the paraphrase. It's eye-opening. I hope you'll be as challenged as I am by it.

1 Corinthians 13:1

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

Paraphrase: If I clean the house so it is spotless every day; if I prepare gourmet meals and do all the kitchen cleanup; if I make sure everyone has all their clothes cleaned, folded and put away and have no time to affirm my husband in a way that encourages him in love, I am only a noisy gong and clanging cymbal.

:2

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

Paraphrase: If I run errands for my husband daily; if I carpool all my children to different commitments; if I plan weekend social events so I am known as an outstanding hostess but have no interest in spending quality time to love and encourage the man I married, then I am nothing.

:3

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Paraphrase: If I participate in weekly Bible studies; if I can quote volumes of Scripture, if I volunteer to help for every special event at church and give generously to Christian organizations and ignore my husbands physical needs, I gain nothing.

And it goes on... This is 'home building' from the inside out. Before we tackle the rest of 1 Corinthians, let's digest this slowly and methodically.

Why would our husbands want to know our Jesus, if we have no time, energy, or attentiveness for him? One of my life Scriptures is Deut. 32:47, "these are not just idle words for you [speaking of the Bible], they are your life."

Are you seeing why it's so important to come into the Word each day? It's a Manual for Living. It keeps us from falling into life's ditches... Even when it comes to our marriages.

External Beauty

As we continue to be wise 'home builders', today's subject isn't what we always want to hear. But it's important.

Song of Songs 4:7

All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

Wouldn't you love to hear that day in and day out?!

As I scan the Song of Songs, over and over and over again - Solomon is captivated by the beauty of his beloved. "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful," says 4:1. Phrases like these are repeated throughout the 8 short chapters.

That said, our physical beauty is important to our husbands. I'm not talking about inner beauty (which we all know if VERY important as well), but I'm talking about external beauty today. Men are visual. God designed them to be this way. God also designed them to be turned on by the female body. (Read Genesis 2:22-25. It's all there.) Initially, your husband was attracted to your unique beauty. It's important to pay attention to this physical attraction.

If you:

• carry a lot of extra weight or
• wear old baggy clothes or
• ignore your hair and make-up

your husband is going to notice. He may not complain, but he'll notice.

It's so easy to become lazy where our looks are concerned. However, this can greatly affect the romance in our marriages. So before he returns home at night, make sure to check your clothes, hair and make-up. This is a 2 minute check. I even have a friend whose husband puts gum in his mouth before he walks in the door. These details are important. This is wise home building.

On that note, what are you wearing on a daily basis? This morning, my daughter asked me if I have any jeans. (My 8 year old tends to be very stylish.) I told her, "yes." She went on to ask why I wear sweat pants so much... Well, because they're convenient; comfortable; and when your office is in your home, there's not a lot of motivation to get dressed up.

But I think she may be on to something. I'm possibly a little out of balance here. Not to mention, I wash my hair every 3-4 days. (shower daily) However, today, I'm pushing day 4 with my hair. As my Dad says, "it's time to change the oil."

Why am I sharing these details? Because these little insignificant details add up. These details may be such a part of our life style, that we may not even notice how unattractive they can make us. External beauty is important to your husband. That's the way God wired him. He was designed to enjoy and appreciate your beauty.

Make sure he has something beautiful to look at!